Hear footsteps creak the floor
The shadows give away
Someone outside the door
Won't let 'em in

Half damaged gears to grind
A run down broke machine
That steals your peace of mind
Before you know it's gone
Lay doubt, weight

Silence burning, hold your tongue
Keep a separate soul they'd know

Hiding in the dark that's under
Pulling to the surface
Stumble, fall

A looking in view too long on the outside
Desperate plans make sense and alone I...
H-i-i-i-i-i-i-d-e

A looking in view too long on the outside
Desperate plans make sense and alone I...
H-i-i-i-i-i-i-d-e

[Savagely wicked restart]

These things I hate in you
Also reflect it seems
Distortion laced with spite
Takes you out of me
Late now, laid

Hiding in the darkness under
Pulling to the surface
Somethin' crawling on your skin
Discomfort makes you break and run
Stumble, fall

A looking in view too long on the outside
Desperate plans make sense and alone I... h-i-i-i-i-i-d-e
A looking in view too long on the outside
Desperate plans make sense and alone I...
H-i-i-i-i-i-d-e
It's why you never tell me heaven's on your mind
It's why you never tell me heaven's on your mind
That's why you'll never tell me heaven's on your mind
That's why you'll never tell me heaven's on your mind

A looking in view too long on the outside
Desperate plans make sense and alone I...
H-i-i-i-i-d-e
A looking in view too long on the outside
Desperate plans make sense and alone I...
H-i-i-i-i-d-e

It's why you never tell me heaven's on your mind
A vengeful mind...
Oh god oooooh
Selfish plans, a vengeful mind
It's all gone
Oooooh
Except for the cross
A vengeful mind just reached inside

The songs that keep me from going mad...

Somehow this seems like shouting in the dark just wondering if anyone's listening.
I've been gone a long time, I wonder if anyone I don't know in what we call real life even remembers who I am or why they faved something of mine or watch my account anymore.
It just hit me a while ago that I have had this account on DA for 4 years and my age was still listed as 20.
Somehow I wish I were still 20. Somethings just seemed to make more sense then.
I have a flashdrive that is loaded with sketches that I want to put up, but can't bring myself to do so because there's so many drawing problems with them left to fix.
I've been working my ass off in my classes.
I've finally done somethings on a scale conducive to scanning.
All the best stuff though still needs to be photographed.
Think I might have to wait for money for that though.
I'm a shitty photographer, so if I do it myself I'm going to end up posting a lot of blurs.
I think I more or less finally found my niche or at least something I feel is worth pursuing in my own art. Even started to develop a certain style.
But I'm still getting told that I have to look at a lot more.
Because I have to fit into the art world.
Seems almost contradictory to every reason people make art... But I still can't figure out where I fit.
I look at even my classmates' work and somehow it seems like more like art than my own.
But maybe I wasn't supposed to be a "fine" artist.
What's wrong with being an illustrator?
That IS art in my opinion.
Was it ever really meant to have perfect anatomy? Be realistic? Have some hidden message to better society and the individual?
No, it's supposed to tell a story.
And what's wrong for letting it and the viewer make up there own?
Push it, push it, push it...
That's all I ever hear sometimes.
I know anything can be improved upon, but for crying out loud - why do you have to push everything to the limit?
Who does that really make it more meaningful to?
What if what that is at that stage is what the intent is?
Taking it above and beyond the call of duty isn't going to convey that any better.
And seriously, why does it all have to be put in words?
Why do I have to tell you my intentions?
Moreover, why do I really have to have any beyond "I thought about this and I wanted to see what it'd look like?"

Ok, enough with the frustrations.

So anyway, after this long ass hiatus, I'm posting something.
Just a long ranting journal entry, but it gave my fingers something to do for a few minutes.
I'm done making promises to return on a permanent basis, the semester's still too full to swear on the Bible.
Besides, I seem to only be determined to make myself busier.
But I can say I'll do what I can.
Maybe just re-posting some old editted stuff.
Yeah. I can do that.

Think I'll end This here.

Yeah, I definitely haven't updated this in... so long.
I'd like to honestly do that more often now that I got a new laptop and will hopefully be getting a new desktop and will be getting newer and better software.
Hopefully that means I'll be getting more work completed and therefore more work up.
Once I get my files moved over from my old harddrive, I'll also have revised and new writing going up.
One of the things I definitely want to do is work on a comic I've been sketching.
It's based on my old story Pentecost. IF anyone remembers, that's the one with the vampires Ben and Seth. And yes, Ben gets top billing, he's the main character.
Anyway... Those are my plans. Hopefully this semester/year, I'll actually make some headway in fulfilling them.

Mean time I need a fax machine. Don't ask what relevance that has. I'm sick and a little crazy

Yeah, I'm pretty much starting over as far as my writing goes.
Hence why it's all been wiped out on DA.
Doesn't necessarily mean I'm starting every story I posted over, I'm just making drastic changes.
I'd appreciate it if when I do finally get back to posting writing again, that you read it even if you've read it before cuz it won't be the same.
<sigh> Guess I really shouldn't really expect that to happen, but I'm putting in the request anyway.
I somehow doubt anyone'll notice it's missing anyway.

It's hard to describe how I feel at the moment. I'd definitely change the emoticon if I could see what I was changing it too, but alas alas. Guess it's wonder at the seeming contradiction of things. I do honestly believe I have a great creative mind and talent and my skills are improving. In spite of this I call myself Talentless. Mostly cuz Skill-less doesn't make as much sense. Yet whatever I endevour in is treated like any other painting in a gallery, figuratively and literally. Looked at for 10 seconds then we move on. I could talk about plans for projects for hours, but no one wants to here me ramble and get thoughts out. No one jumps up and down eager to see anything I've done. Then I call myself talentless and am immediately jumped upon and called out for doing so. Seems to be a discrepency somewhere in there...

Either way, in my case it's "only the name won't change."

I was basically going through my own gallery again.
Originally I had wanted to look over my old work, see how I'd improved.
When I started rereading Past Chance from Pentecost i realized that I wasn't going to see improvement until I fixed it.
So I started doing that.
Then remembered my plans to fix Veils of Disbelief.
So I went back and deleted everything from that story because I'm starting that one over, fresh.
More importantly, I'll be thinking of a better title.
The only reason I haven't removed Domine Pacem is because I want to finish that one before I go back to editting and I figured SOMEONE might try to kill me if I did.
So DP stays.
Mean time since I have time to kill in the wee hours of the morning, I'll be editing Pentecost.
When I return to Colorado at the end of the week, things are going to get interesting.
And done.